Humor
This is just weird. None of these jokes are funny. Obama is a great president and is very inspiring. I think he'll make a good leader. And Paula, no president could be dumber than Bush. Visit WHYOBAMA08.oRG!!!
Posted By: Sally White | July 16, 2008 at 04:16 PM
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President. The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is a "post turtle." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a "post turtle". The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there."
Obama’s Birth Certificate Scandal -- So there was alot of buzz about whether Obama was a “Natural Born Citizen” or not, and thus whether it was legal for him to run or become the President. The way we figure it, there are only three reasons why Obama won’t release his real birth certificate to just end all the controversy.
1 - He accidently smoked it.
2 - It shows that he didn’t have a virgin birth.
3 - It got mixed in with his Rezko mortgage records and shredded
So these are a few of our favorite all time quotes from President Obama. Yes, he really said these things…
“Look, when I was a kid, I inhaled frequently. That was the point.”
“Three words: Vice President Oprah” –Obama’s #1 campaign promise from the Letterman show.
“It’s like I was shot out of a cannon. I’m so overexposed that I make Paris Hilton look like a recluse.”
“(They) said you can’t win in a year like this with a name like Obama. There was quite a bit of confusion at first, but it did get me free airtime on Al Jazeera.”
“It’s been a great ride. But I know how quickly these fads can pass. You all remember the pet rock, the mood ring, Howard Dean.”
Like any experienced Chicago politician, Obama would go the cemetary to register voters. One night he came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn't make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested they just move on to the next plot. Obama angrily exclaimed, "This person has a much right to vote as anyone else here!"
"Presidential candidate Barack Obama says he's going to quit smoking. Which is good news for Hillary Clinton. Now that he's breathing down her neck, she won't have to worry about second-hand smoke.
Barack Obama gave a speech in Germany and 200,000 people showed up. There were so many Germans shouting and screaming that France surrendered just in case.
Barack Obama is selling lemonade at a stand bearing a sign which reads "Fresh Lemonade - 25 cents". A man walks up, asks for a glass of lemonade, and hands Mr. Obama a dollar bill. After receiving his beverage the man begins to turn away but then stops short and says, "Oh wait, where's my change?" To which Mr. Obama replies, "Change is a deliberately empty signifier."
"Barack Obama is now denying that he is email pals with the beautiful actress, Scarlett Johansson. Remember that story? They were saying that Scarlett Johansson and Barack Obama were emailing each other. He says no, it's not true. In fact his exact words were 'I did not have textual relations with that woman.'" --Jay Leno
The other day the plane that Barack Obama was on had some mechanical difficulties and was forced to land. Well, the National Transportation Safety Board did an inspection on the plane, and you know what they found? The bolts on the plane were fine, but apparently Jesse Jackson had taken some of the nuts off." --Jay Leno
“Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn’t return him now even if we wanted to.” --Jimmy Kimmel
"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was." --Jay Leno
"President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents." --Jay Leno
Being All Things To All People --- Barack Obama's critics claim that the President will try to be all things to all people and that he makes far too many claims that he cannot support. Recently, at a political rally shortly after winning the Presidential race, he maintained that he can keep his promises by being committed to the principles that got him elected. After the press conference, he took questions from the audience members...
The first person asked President Obama "What will you do about the Iraq war? You promised to pull the troops and we want to know when that will happen!" Obama replied "I will end the war within 18 months and bring all of our troops home, while at the same time strengthening the Iraqi government and their ability to defend themselves."
The next person to take the microphone asked "What will you do for illegal aliens like me, who want to be citizens?" Obama replied "I will grant every illegal alien complete US citizenship and free healthcare, with no strings attached."
For the last question, an older gentleman asked Obama "I'm a conservative, what will you do for me?" Obama promised "I'll send first guy to Iraq and the second guy back to Mexico!"
"Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations." --Jay Leno
"Well, the wait is over. The Obamas have chosen a new White House dog. It is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Very cute dog. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier, but it was arrested for tax evasion." --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama made a surprise visit to Iraq this week where he declared it is time for Iraqis to take responsibility for their country. Said Iraqis, 'You guys first.'" --Seth Meyers
"So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they're saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope." --Jay Leno
"As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing." --Jay Leno
"It's a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That's quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million." --Craig Ferguson
Barack Obama, John McCain, and Bill Clinton are on a ship in the Persian Gulf. The ship hits a mine and begins to sink. Obama says: "Women and children first." McCain says: "F*** the women." Clinton says: "Do we have time?"
"President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans to fire the CEO's of BMW and Volkswagen." --David Letterman
Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
At a recent Obama speech there was a guy in the back of the hall screaming anti-American slogans and making hateful racist remarks. They turned the house lights up and it was Reverend Wright.
For a moment Obama thought he was back in church and yelled, "Can I get an amen"?
Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.
Barack Obama: He has what it takes to take what you've got!
Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
Q: What do Vanilla Ice, Eminem and Barack Obama have in common?
A: They all made careers pretending to be black men
"Big day in Detroit. You may have heard about this. The Obama Administration asked General Motors C.E.O. Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed, which is good news for Obama. You know, the last time he tried to get someone to quit, it took months. And even then, he had to promise her a job as Secretary of State." --Jay Leno
"And in a speech in Anchorage, Alaska, Sarah Palin took kind of a cheap shot at her former running mate, John McCain. She said she couldn't find anyone to pray with during the campaign. She's not the only one. Between Jesse Jackson and Reverend Wright, Obama couldn't find anybody to pray with either." --Jay Leno
"Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers' money to redecorate the houses of A.I.G. executives." --Craig Ferguson
"Barack Obama is taking his first overseas trip as president tomorrow. He is headed to the G20 economic summit. And he's been rehearsing his opening line to foreign leaders. 'Hi, I'm not George Bush. Hi, I'm not George Bush.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He's concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that's just in his administration." --Jay Leno
"How many watched the President's news conference last night? He got a little testy there, you know. When he was asked why he waited three days to speak out against the AIG bonuses, President Obama said he likes to know what he's talking about before he speaks. So, yet another reversal of the Bush policies." --Jay Leno
"Many people are complaining, though, that Obama is becoming too scripted. Last night, he was having an intimate moment with Michelle, and she said, 'Wait, are you reading the teleprompter?'" --Jimmy Fallon
"On '60 Minutes' the other night, if you saw the interview, reporter Steve Croft asked President Obama how he could laugh with all the financial trouble going on. And the President said it's necessary to have a measure of 'gallows humor to get you through the day.' You know why Obama likes gallows humor? It works much better for him than bowling humor." --Jay Leno
"After Barack Obama was on the show Thursday, I got a phone call from Joe Biden going, 'Wow, what was it like to talk to the President?'" --Jay Leno
"Did you see this on '60 Minutes' last night? Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden on the White House lawn. You know the economy's bad when the Obamas are afraid of running out of food." --Jimmy Fallon
"This morning, the first lady, Michelle Obama, celebrated spring by breaking ground on a new vegetable garden at the White House. She said she did it to help educate children about healthy, locally-grown food, and to help her own family survive the coming economic apocalypse." --Jimmy Kimmel
"We are very excited to have President Barack Obama on the show tonight. People think it's amazing that the President would take the time to leave Washington, DC, and fly 3,000 miles to come to California. But that happens to a lot of guys when their mother-in-law moves in with them." --Jay Leno
"No wonder Obama has gray hair. That was the big story in the paper yesterday, Obama has gray hair. Wow, now his hair isn't black enough." --Bill Maher
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